Not a great night to be the sound man, Alice Ripley or Brett Michaels head.

Let's take you through last night's Tony Awards, which actually was the gayest thing I've watched since my two hours on xtube this morning.

The show opens with Elton John's mic not working. The first of the 800 hundred microphone problems in the opening number alone.

Then this happens. Yes, older male ballerinas lifting, in a figure skating pairs lift, younger male ballerinas. And this is the moment all red states officially turn their TVs to the NBA finals.

Brett Michaels almost loses his head when a set piece essentially clothes lines him. Look closely at this picture. Brett is in the middle getting nailed by that big Broadway set piece. He has literally just been thrown off his feet.
It actually might have been the highlight of the show.

LIZA... there ... are... no .... words!

Then comes Dolly. Dolly and Liza on one stage is the theatrical equivalent to a simultaneous BJ and RJ.

SO MUCH BROADWAY ON ONE STAGE.
Jessica Fletcher lives... and wins a TONY!

Would you rather see Shrek or spend a night in a morgue with dead bodies... I actually don't know.
Constantine Maroulis needs to find himself a Bermuda Triangle and get lost in it.
Doogie Howser M.D. grew up to be a talented and handsome P.B. (power bottom).
Speaking about those who are destined to grow up into talented and handsome power bottoms, the three Billy Elliots won Best Actor in a Musical.
Carrie Fisher was there in her Pennington's (14+) best.
Next time can the Tony Awards hire a director who, you know, can direct. Why don't we not cut to Dolly Parton by accident after she loses or pan away from the dead people's names during the IN MEMORIAM. Just a thought.
Frank Langella is not nominated for a Tony but wins the Fuck You Award to the Tony voters who forgot to nominate him.
West Side Story and Hair delivered great performances. Everything about Guys and Dolls, Shrek, Rock of Ages sucked except for this chick from Rock of Ages.
I love Marcia Gay Harden but something in her face just looks off.
What the fuck was up with Alice Ripley. She wins Best Actress in a Musical, says something about JFK, screams like she's in pain and basically confirms that she is as mentally ill as her character. She made Liza look like the model of composure and poise, which is not an easy feat.

BEST ENDING EVER!!!! “This show could not be gayer if Liza was named Mayor and Elton John took flight..” So true and I couldn't have been happier.