Emmy Oh My!

I have a love/hate relationship with the Emmy Awards. I love the Emmys because I truly love an award show. I even watched some Latina award show two weeks ago just cause it was on TV. I love the pomp and circumstance of award shows. I love the hilarious unscripted moment which typically comes from the mouth of Elaine Strich. And of course I love any show that will honor the brilliance of Tina Fey. But I hate The Emmys because they never seem to reward the most deserving.

That being said this year's show was more lows than highs. It was way more lows than highs! It was clunks instead chuckles. Too many moments of nothing (including the 5 minute opening bit where nothing actually happened on purpose. WTF???) instead of pratically any moments of something (I say Griffin and Don Rickles for hosts in 2009).

It seemed as though the show's writers were still on strike from last year. Seriously what the bland was up with the fivesome of hosts? They were unfunny, uncharismatic and their opening was as perplexing as the first four seasons of Lost combined. Heidi Klum and other hacks...YOU'RE OUT!

Highlights:

Tina Fey is a goddess. Can I just say that in one week Tina Fey was able to capture the entire nation's attention with her pitch perfect portrayal of Sarah Palin on SNL and she was able to win 3 Emmys including one for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. This woman can do no wrong. We must all surrender to her incredible talent that is disproportionate to practically anyone right now.

Alec Baldwin won. The fact he didn't win last year was a crime. I was worried that he wouldn't win this year and would become the consumate bridesmade and never the thoughtless, little (award hogging) pig.

Remember how for the longest time shitty shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, Boston Legal, and Monk would win a ton of awards. No outright shitty shows won this year and that is a very good thing.

I liked the laugh in tribute. I didn't really understand a lot of it but anything that features JoAnne "Hoppo" Worley sing song her way through a word brings complete joy and satisfaction to my life.

Lowlights:

The hosts go without saying because they were beyond dreadful.

But what was up Josh Groban singing theme songs to popular shows? Why? It was the oddest choice performance choice since Elvis and Celine dueted on American Idol a few seasons ago. What the Andrea Bocelli does Josh Groban have to do with TV? Seriously Josh Groban singing South Park was like watching the cast of Sesame Street perform at the Superbowl Half Time show. It just didn't belong and made me feel uneasy like a child who had just been touched by a stranger in the under bathing suit area.

Amy Poehler losing. I wanted the Fey and Poehler double whammy. Unfort, it did not happen. Apparently anyone can win Best Supportive Actress. Anyone, anyone, anyone. Poehler should have just wanted it a little more.

2008/09 TV brings some potential great new show including Kath and Kim, True Blood and The United State of Diablo Cody...er I mean Tara. Will they be Emmy fare? Well only time will tell. Now I will go listen to Josh Groban's Emmy suite and do nothing. I mean in theory in theory is sounds like a good idea right?

The Emme Awards

Can you imagine if there was actually an award ceremony named after mid 90's plus sized supermodel Emme. I would win every award especially the award for the person most like to wash down a Filet of fish with McChicken sauce and a McFlurry. A girl's gotta eat right?

So yes it is Emmy weekend and it will be hosted by the 4 of the 5 biggest douches on TV. Gaycrest, Bergeron, Deal or No Deal Mandel, and Probst aren't exactly must see TV. Seriously mid 90's plus sized supermodel Emme would be a better host. However, I cannot wait to see Heidi Klum say auf Wiedersehen to every individual loser at the award ceremony.

Emmys are tough because they are so hard to predict and the winners are all over the map. Sometimes the Emmys get it right. Laurie "Aunt Jackie" Metcalf has three statuettes. But most times they get it wrong. Doris Roberts has four emmys, while Kim "Samantha Jones" Catrall has none. BLASPHEMY! Did anyone even like Raymond? I couldn't tolerate it.

These are my final predictions for this year's awards.

Best Drama: Mad Men

Best Comedy: 30 Rock

Best Drama Actor: James Spader for Boston Public (does anyone watch this show and why does this guy keep winning?)

Best Comedy Actor: Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock

Best Drama Actress: Glenn Close for Damages

Best Comedy Actress: Tina Fey for 30 Rock (if she doesn't win, there is no Constance Justice in the world)

Best Drama Supporting Actor: William Shatner for Boston Public

Best Comedy Supporting Actor: Neil Patrick Harris for How I Met Your Mother

Best Drama Supporting Actress: Chandra Wilson for Grey's Anatomy

Best Comedy Supporting Actress: Amy Poehler for Saturday Night Live


As long as Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy win I don't really care what else happens. Okay I am boring myself. Filet of Fish time.

Olympic-ture perfect!

Once every two years, I become a crazy obsessive monster with massive sexual predator eyes.

Of course you would most likely assume that my sexual predator eyes would be for reserved for males born in 1989, but alas no, my eyes lust after all things that occur in during a 16 day period called The Olympics.

The Olympics also make my sexy autism come out in full force. I could tell you fuck all about how to save a life or how to invest money in the stock market but who has two thumbs and knows who won the 100 meter hurdles for women in 1996? This guy! By the way it was Ludmila Engquist and she was FIERCE!

2008 was a great Olympics and here are my highlights and lowlights:

HIGHLIGHTS:

Dara Torres was a 41 year old mother who swam in her fifth Olympics. She lost the gold medal by .01 of a second in the 50 meter freestyle, which led Mike Yerxa to a week in the fetal position. But what an inspiration! When I am 41, I will be lucky if I can get a jar Miracle Whip with my grab stick in 24.07 seconds. But won't extreme obesity/scooter life be fun?

The Opening Ceremonies were beautiful, opulent, and grandiose. China has so much culture and history to draw from. Some are saying that the Vancouver 2010 opening ceremony is truly f-ed. But I say, did China have Michael Buble? Because Vancouver does. Did China have figure skaters creating Emily Carr paintings? No it did not, but Vancouver will. Was the torch in Beijing lit by Jason "Brandon Walsh" Priestly? Not it certainly wasn't. I say a bring on 2010's opening cermony directed by Pamela Anderson and sponsored by Labatts.

Debbie Phelps is amazing. She's the quintessential middle school principal. I think I life her because she reminds me of my mommy. See the resemblance. Even look at their oversized jewlery. Butterface Phelps meet Bustedface Yerxa.

Forget Obama/Biden and McCain/Palin, the real ticket in 2008 should be Liukin/Johnson. Liukin could solve all world problems by a simple icy stare across the proverbial uneven bars of Democracy. While Johnson could back simply back her up by spouting out sentences such as "I am flipping mad about gas prices" and consistently demonstrating the aforementioned sentence's verb on a balance beam.

Michael Phelps' body.


Lowlights:

I don't care what their passports say, those damn Chinese gymnasts are not 16 years old. They do not look a day over first tampon or sanitary napkin. I should know because I am down with the kids. I am totes 411 with Serena van der Woodsen. But those little doe-eyed deer still have their damned baby teeth. Speaking of Chinese and baby teeth check out this baby.
AMAZING!!! I would consider adopting a baby a day from China if it came like this.

Did anyone see that damned NBC swimming reporter Andrea Kremer. She was the most long winded bitch I've ever heard. In the time it would take her to ask a single question the swimmer would catch their breath from their 1500 meter swim and miss their medal ceremony.

A single question might be like this "Michael Phelps... what a race!!! When you were on the starting blocks what was going through your head as you were about to jump into the water here at the Watercube, which is located in Beijing the sight of the 2008 Olympics which is your second Olympics after the 2004 Olympics, which happens to be the birthplace of Olympics and my favorite food gyros..."

I would have loved to jump onto that pool deck to slap that talk out of that bitch.

Tina Fey could not write the kind of comedy that George W. Bush created by just being himself at the Olympics. W continues to inspire us all by laughing like a jackal and acting like an asshole. Look at Baby Babs face in this picture.
Even Stepford First Wife is humiliated and she can't even feel any emotion.

Anybutterface, all in all The Olympics were amazing! I seriously don't know what to do with my time now. Not even excessive drinking and Burger King eating can solve my problem. Okay I lie. Obviously vodka and a Whopper can solve anything!