12 Million more Cooks in the Kitchen???

I know this post is quite overdue, but I think it's taken me that long to process the 7th season of American Idol. It's also taken me that long to figure out how the eff David Cook beat David Archuleta by 12 million votes. I seriously never saw that happening the same way Brooke White never thought she'd have to utter the words "I'm sorry can we start that again".

Between Cook trumping Archuleta, Archuleta's Dad turning all Papa Joe Simpson on producers, and Brooke White's repeated nausea inducing Carly Simon lite performances, the 7th season was something special.

Here are general thoughts on this season:

I usually don't like white male singers. Strike that I usually don't like male singers. I will always root for a big lunged black chick or a belting female rocker. But this year I did really like Cook and Archuleta. I thought Archuleta had a beautiful voice and the fact that I wanted to molest him definitely endeared him to me. Cook won me over with a solid performance of Mimi's Always Be My Baby. And don't even get me started on Danny Noriega. Cholo was a fierce singer and was a sharp witted gay. He wasn't like the typical TV gay that sets our kind back two generations and makes Southern America think that they can't swim in the same pool with us without getting AIDS. I love me some Kelly, Fantasia, and Carrie, but these dudes were up to par.

Give me a Fantasia, JHUD, Vonzell, and Melinda anyday. But I'll pass on Syesha. I loved that she performed with such confidence on the finale as if to say "Yeah I came in third and look for me to top the charts come fall". Syesha see you in the Georgia Peach Dinner Theatre's production of The Wiz come fall.

Best theme week was Andrew Lloyd Weber! Between Carly tearing up Jesus Christ Superstar, Syesha really surprising with One Rock and Roll too many, and Archuleta really mixing up Think of Me. That night was "Memory"-able. Get it?

Brooke White needs to shut her goddamned mouth. Seriously the bitch's lack of self-realization and her overly saccharine answers to everything made her ferociously unlikable in my eyes.
She should have just sung the Lord is My Shepherd every week and made out with a crucifix during the judges' comments. It would have been more entertaining and would have saved me a fortune on Pepto Bismol, Gravol and Depends Extra Strength.

Kristy Lee Cock needs to hop on her repossessed horse and ride away into a sunset, never to return. Actually strike that last sentence, she needs to grab a large "Proud to be an American" flag and hang herself with it.

Carly Smithson was the best female voice of the season, but bitch get some confidence. She looked and sang with the confidence that a raped, abused and motherless Bambi would bring to the AI stage. I mean, I know your debut album sold only 300 copies, but come on Smithson sing like you're not going down like Irish brothers and sisters in 3rd class of the Titanic.

I am not a big druggy, except for my meth addiction. Come on, a Fergie face doesn't just create itself. However I would love to have a drug bender with Amanda Overmyer and Jason Castro. Those perma stoners were too entertaining. I am going to write a musical of Puff The Magic Dragon where Amanda plays Puff and Jason plays Little Jackie Paper. Jessica Sierra, her coke nose, and Dr. Drew can cameo as the string, ceiling wax and other fancy stuff. Strike that it should just be a one woman show starring Paula Abdul and sponsored by any perscription drug that treats seizures, bulimia, depression, arthritis, psoriasis, general loopiness and really anything to do with the body.

I actually do think that this was AI best top twelve ever! They had a stripper "for mostly male clientele", some stonners, two female red state panderers, a couple of foreigners, and a molester's (and my) wet dream.

So what's next for the Idols? Well a summer long tour and after that Archuleta should anticipate a nice summer tour of my Silence of the Lambs cellar Buffalo Billz styles. What can I say, I'm a romantic.