The Marvelous Meryl Streep

Since my obsession began with the cinema in the early 90's by spending many (THE) HOURS in an EVENING at home watching RENDITIONs of films, I thought I knew PLENTY but I have really ever known ONE TRUE THING. THE MUSIC IN MY HEART has told me that there is one PRIME actress working the cinema today. Her name is Mary Louise Streep.

I once remarked "What can't Meryl Streep do" to which my compatriot replied "...SUCK" and never has a phrase been uttered that has rung more truth in my eyes and in my heart.

On that note it is time for my Top Ten Meryl Streep performances list.


10. Mamma Mia! - The movie is not great. But it doesn't pretend to be! It is an ABBA musical for Chiquitita sake, however if there is one actress that can bring truth and emotional depth to the song The Winner Takes it All, it is La Streep. And as my facebook status suggested on the film's opening day, when Meryl Streep does a canon ball all is right in the world.
9. The River Wild - Again what can't Meryl Streep do. She can sing, do any accent, and speak multiple languages. In this 94 "classic" she also proves she can lead a fierce white water rafting trip and off Kevin Bacon pretty easily. Can you do that?
8. Kramer vs. Kramer - Oscar nom # 2 and Oscar win #1 came for this weepy flick about a mother abandoning her son and father subsequently raising him. The earliest indication of Wow this bitch can really act in in this flick. And if you're going to be abandoned by your mother, it's best that that mother is played by Meryl Streep.
7. The Simpsons - M.S. voices mischievous Jessica Lovejoy, the reverend's daughter. Again La Streep proves her talent and her sense of humor by playing the teenage cock tease. Jessica also gave me the most classic way to get out of awkward small talk. One simply utters the sentence "I have to go over here now" and you simply turn and face the other way. It works every time.
6. The Bridges of Madison County - Wouldn't we all just love to have a weekend away from our husbands and kids and have a passionate romp with a National Geographic/Bridge Loving photog? My ideal weekend would involve a weekend away from sobriety and heterosexuality with a passionate romp through a box of mint Oreos. But that's just me. Streep is incredible in this movie. Should she open the car door and get out? She will literally break your heart during that scene.
5. Adaptation - At 53 years old Streep decides to play an author who falls in love with a toothless Floridian orchid thief and subsequently poses for his porn site and does a lot of drugs with him. This movie is all about the dial tone scene. Seriously if I ever find a toothless guy who I can create a pitch perfect dial tone with, it will be a good day in Yerxaland!
4. Angels in America - Meryl Streep plays a 90 year old rabbi, a communist ghost (a ComBOOnist if you will), and a Mormon mother. This is for sure the most amazing multiple performance since Norbit. She is beyond brilliant in this. The Angel in America is Meryl fucking Streep.
3. The Devil Wears - Miranda Priestly is one of my most favorite things ever to be captured on film. She's up there with "All The Way" Mae from A League of Their Own, Princess Gisele from Enchanted and of course Miss Teen South Carolina. I personally believe that Meryl Streep is superhuman in this role. Her speech about cerulean is better than Hamlet's To Be or Not to Be. Take that Shakespeare!
2. She Devil - Of course many Streep purists may take issue with the fact that I am forgetting classics such as A Cry in the Dark, The Deer Hunter, Out of Africa (I've never seen it and I am sure it's not a yawner) and Silkwood. While others like to measure performances in emotional depth and believability, I like to measure a performance by sheer ridiculousness. How can one not adore Meryl Streep as romance novelist Mary Fisher, who falls in love with sexy Ed Begley Jr. and has her life destroyed by Roseanne of Roseanne fame. When Streep reels off such classic lines as "Would somebody get the goddamn door" to "You're a bastard" it brings joy to my life and Bambi and butterflies to my heart. Fuck South African Accents, dingos eating babies and wars and stuff. Meryl Streep pouring bleach into an entire load of colored laundry in an attempt to be domestic get my vote every time.
1. Sophie's Choice- The best performance ever captured on screen. This is true without one question of doubt in my mind. Nothing else needs to be said!

Oscar Wild aught 8

I like fall. I love jack-o-lanterns. I love games of touch football on crisp autumn days. I love pumpkin pies. Okay I love eating an entire pumpkin pie in one sitting with a spoon and then wearing an over sized Autumnal colored sweater to hide my bloated man gunt. Viva Thanksgiving!

I also love this time of year because movies baiting for Oscars are released on an almost weekly basis. Some became major front runners (Rachel Getting Married) and some go belly up in the water (Blindness).

Here are my first 08 predictions:
Best Picture

Revolutionary Road
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Slumdog Millionaire
Doubt
Milk

Best Director

Sam Mendes Revolutionary Road
David Fincher The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Danny Boyle Slumdog Millionaire
Clint Eastwood Changeling
Gus Van Sant Milk
Best Actor

Leonardo Dicaprio Revolutionary Road
Mickey Rourke The Wrestler
Frank Langella Frost/Nixon
Brad Pitt The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Sean Penn Milk
Best Actress

Anne Hathaway Rachel Getting Married
Sally Hawkins Happy Go Lucky
Meryl Streep Doubt
Kate Winslet Revolutionary Road
Kristin Scott Thomas I’ve Loved You a Long Time
Best Supporting Actor

Josh Brolin Milk
Philip Seymour Hoffman Doubt
Heath Ledger The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon Revolutionary Road
John Malkovich Changeling
Best Supporting Actress

Taraji J. Henson The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Penelope Cruz Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis Doubt
Debra Winger Rachel Getting Married
Marisa Tomei The Wrestler

So Clay Aiken is gay...

Last week the world was stunned by the news that one Clay Aiken is gay. Especially the Claymates all over the US who couldn't quite deal with fact that their boy kisses boy... and likes it. Claymates, who are typically housewives from the red states are my favorite people in the world. They are usually the most interesting people to talk to and one is able to cover such fascinating topics as diaper brands, snacks for school lunches, grocery coupons, and church bake sale fudge.

These are some of the best quotes uttered by the Ivy League educated, wordly and highly cultured Clay supporters:

“This is a gut wrenching day for The ClayNation. Somebody wake me up, I hope its a dream.”

"This will be it for me. I cannot continue to support him financially now that I know he has chosen this lifestyle."

"[The People cover] Reeks of photoshop to me. We can probably even find the picture of Clay's head from a recent fan photo if we look hard enough. Believe if you want, I just know that nothing is true unless it is printed in the fan club..."

I encourage these women to continue to live lives completely rooted in reality and that includes of course continuing to give a fuck about a guy who was on American Idol half a decade ago! I am sure it's just not possible for you to accomplish more at your child's PTA meeting or volunteering in your community than you can on aikenforums.com. And of course your extremely advanced intelligence continually leads you right to your computer to make McCain-like advances in Clay Aiken button making.

Since I, like these completely level-headed Claymates, was shocked at the annoncement that Clay was gay I thought I would also make note of famous gays whose declarations of "Yes I'm Gay" made that water under my bridge even more toubled.

Rudy Galindo - A figure skater who skated while wearing an oversized AIDS ribbon. I was completely in the dark. Boy George - Did his arrest for falsely imprisoning a man in his home make him look gay? Not in my books.Bruce Vilanch - I never got what the hilarious graphic tshirt "I Can't Even Think Straight" meant. I guess I just spent too much time on Claymaniacs message board.Divine - Those damned eyebrows just looked so natural.Mike Yerxa - Didn't most 9 year old New Brunswick boys like to play Tony Awards instead of hockey?Supertwink - His utility belt of butt plugs, dildos, anal beeds, and rubber fists made it very ambiguous to me. His name Supertwink also made things seriously unclear, as did that dick in his mouth.So to all those Claymates who were shocked by Clay Aiken's sudden announcement that he's a 'mo. I was too. But the fact that he's gay is the same as the fact that you're pathetic. Just deal.

Emmy Oh My!

I have a love/hate relationship with the Emmy Awards. I love the Emmys because I truly love an award show. I even watched some Latina award show two weeks ago just cause it was on TV. I love the pomp and circumstance of award shows. I love the hilarious unscripted moment which typically comes from the mouth of Elaine Strich. And of course I love any show that will honor the brilliance of Tina Fey. But I hate The Emmys because they never seem to reward the most deserving.

That being said this year's show was more lows than highs. It was way more lows than highs! It was clunks instead chuckles. Too many moments of nothing (including the 5 minute opening bit where nothing actually happened on purpose. WTF???) instead of pratically any moments of something (I say Griffin and Don Rickles for hosts in 2009).

It seemed as though the show's writers were still on strike from last year. Seriously what the bland was up with the fivesome of hosts? They were unfunny, uncharismatic and their opening was as perplexing as the first four seasons of Lost combined. Heidi Klum and other hacks...YOU'RE OUT!

Highlights:

Tina Fey is a goddess. Can I just say that in one week Tina Fey was able to capture the entire nation's attention with her pitch perfect portrayal of Sarah Palin on SNL and she was able to win 3 Emmys including one for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. This woman can do no wrong. We must all surrender to her incredible talent that is disproportionate to practically anyone right now.

Alec Baldwin won. The fact he didn't win last year was a crime. I was worried that he wouldn't win this year and would become the consumate bridesmade and never the thoughtless, little (award hogging) pig.

Remember how for the longest time shitty shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, Boston Legal, and Monk would win a ton of awards. No outright shitty shows won this year and that is a very good thing.

I liked the laugh in tribute. I didn't really understand a lot of it but anything that features JoAnne "Hoppo" Worley sing song her way through a word brings complete joy and satisfaction to my life.

Lowlights:

The hosts go without saying because they were beyond dreadful.

But what was up Josh Groban singing theme songs to popular shows? Why? It was the oddest choice performance choice since Elvis and Celine dueted on American Idol a few seasons ago. What the Andrea Bocelli does Josh Groban have to do with TV? Seriously Josh Groban singing South Park was like watching the cast of Sesame Street perform at the Superbowl Half Time show. It just didn't belong and made me feel uneasy like a child who had just been touched by a stranger in the under bathing suit area.

Amy Poehler losing. I wanted the Fey and Poehler double whammy. Unfort, it did not happen. Apparently anyone can win Best Supportive Actress. Anyone, anyone, anyone. Poehler should have just wanted it a little more.

2008/09 TV brings some potential great new show including Kath and Kim, True Blood and The United State of Diablo Cody...er I mean Tara. Will they be Emmy fare? Well only time will tell. Now I will go listen to Josh Groban's Emmy suite and do nothing. I mean in theory in theory is sounds like a good idea right?

The Emme Awards

Can you imagine if there was actually an award ceremony named after mid 90's plus sized supermodel Emme. I would win every award especially the award for the person most like to wash down a Filet of fish with McChicken sauce and a McFlurry. A girl's gotta eat right?

So yes it is Emmy weekend and it will be hosted by the 4 of the 5 biggest douches on TV. Gaycrest, Bergeron, Deal or No Deal Mandel, and Probst aren't exactly must see TV. Seriously mid 90's plus sized supermodel Emme would be a better host. However, I cannot wait to see Heidi Klum say auf Wiedersehen to every individual loser at the award ceremony.

Emmys are tough because they are so hard to predict and the winners are all over the map. Sometimes the Emmys get it right. Laurie "Aunt Jackie" Metcalf has three statuettes. But most times they get it wrong. Doris Roberts has four emmys, while Kim "Samantha Jones" Catrall has none. BLASPHEMY! Did anyone even like Raymond? I couldn't tolerate it.

These are my final predictions for this year's awards.

Best Drama: Mad Men

Best Comedy: 30 Rock

Best Drama Actor: James Spader for Boston Public (does anyone watch this show and why does this guy keep winning?)

Best Comedy Actor: Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock

Best Drama Actress: Glenn Close for Damages

Best Comedy Actress: Tina Fey for 30 Rock (if she doesn't win, there is no Constance Justice in the world)

Best Drama Supporting Actor: William Shatner for Boston Public

Best Comedy Supporting Actor: Neil Patrick Harris for How I Met Your Mother

Best Drama Supporting Actress: Chandra Wilson for Grey's Anatomy

Best Comedy Supporting Actress: Amy Poehler for Saturday Night Live


As long as Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy win I don't really care what else happens. Okay I am boring myself. Filet of Fish time.

Olympic-ture perfect!

Once every two years, I become a crazy obsessive monster with massive sexual predator eyes.

Of course you would most likely assume that my sexual predator eyes would be for reserved for males born in 1989, but alas no, my eyes lust after all things that occur in during a 16 day period called The Olympics.

The Olympics also make my sexy autism come out in full force. I could tell you fuck all about how to save a life or how to invest money in the stock market but who has two thumbs and knows who won the 100 meter hurdles for women in 1996? This guy! By the way it was Ludmila Engquist and she was FIERCE!

2008 was a great Olympics and here are my highlights and lowlights:

HIGHLIGHTS:

Dara Torres was a 41 year old mother who swam in her fifth Olympics. She lost the gold medal by .01 of a second in the 50 meter freestyle, which led Mike Yerxa to a week in the fetal position. But what an inspiration! When I am 41, I will be lucky if I can get a jar Miracle Whip with my grab stick in 24.07 seconds. But won't extreme obesity/scooter life be fun?

The Opening Ceremonies were beautiful, opulent, and grandiose. China has so much culture and history to draw from. Some are saying that the Vancouver 2010 opening ceremony is truly f-ed. But I say, did China have Michael Buble? Because Vancouver does. Did China have figure skaters creating Emily Carr paintings? No it did not, but Vancouver will. Was the torch in Beijing lit by Jason "Brandon Walsh" Priestly? Not it certainly wasn't. I say a bring on 2010's opening cermony directed by Pamela Anderson and sponsored by Labatts.

Debbie Phelps is amazing. She's the quintessential middle school principal. I think I life her because she reminds me of my mommy. See the resemblance. Even look at their oversized jewlery. Butterface Phelps meet Bustedface Yerxa.

Forget Obama/Biden and McCain/Palin, the real ticket in 2008 should be Liukin/Johnson. Liukin could solve all world problems by a simple icy stare across the proverbial uneven bars of Democracy. While Johnson could back simply back her up by spouting out sentences such as "I am flipping mad about gas prices" and consistently demonstrating the aforementioned sentence's verb on a balance beam.

Michael Phelps' body.


Lowlights:

I don't care what their passports say, those damn Chinese gymnasts are not 16 years old. They do not look a day over first tampon or sanitary napkin. I should know because I am down with the kids. I am totes 411 with Serena van der Woodsen. But those little doe-eyed deer still have their damned baby teeth. Speaking of Chinese and baby teeth check out this baby.
AMAZING!!! I would consider adopting a baby a day from China if it came like this.

Did anyone see that damned NBC swimming reporter Andrea Kremer. She was the most long winded bitch I've ever heard. In the time it would take her to ask a single question the swimmer would catch their breath from their 1500 meter swim and miss their medal ceremony.

A single question might be like this "Michael Phelps... what a race!!! When you were on the starting blocks what was going through your head as you were about to jump into the water here at the Watercube, which is located in Beijing the sight of the 2008 Olympics which is your second Olympics after the 2004 Olympics, which happens to be the birthplace of Olympics and my favorite food gyros..."

I would have loved to jump onto that pool deck to slap that talk out of that bitch.

Tina Fey could not write the kind of comedy that George W. Bush created by just being himself at the Olympics. W continues to inspire us all by laughing like a jackal and acting like an asshole. Look at Baby Babs face in this picture.
Even Stepford First Wife is humiliated and she can't even feel any emotion.

Anybutterface, all in all The Olympics were amazing! I seriously don't know what to do with my time now. Not even excessive drinking and Burger King eating can solve my problem. Okay I lie. Obviously vodka and a Whopper can solve anything!

I had a TONy of fun!

Just like a fat kid loves he/she cake and Amy Winehouse loves a crack pipe, I love me some Tonys. This year marks my 20th consecutive year watching what Broadway has to offer.

Highlights of 08's ceremony included:

August: Osage County picking up mayjuh awards like Best Play, Best Actress in a Play and Best Supporting Actress in a Play. Completely deserved and a brilliant night of theatre. Although Aunt Jackie lost for Best Supporting Actress in a Play, I am glad she lost to Rondi Reed, her Chicago theatre sister. Speaking of Aunt Jackie, do you remember that episode of Roseanne when Jackie performed as a one legged wench in a Landford Community Theatre production of Cyrano? Now that shit was Tony worthy.

Also nice was the Rent tribute featuing the original Broadway cast. While I am not the biggest fan of Idina Menzel's face, I do always get nostalgic when Seasons of Love is sung and especially nostalgic when AIDS, AIDS, AIDS from Team America is heard.

In The Heights' performance was incredible. It's not a perfect show, but it has its moments of sheer brilliance. And how great was Lin-Manuel Miranda's hip hop ode to Sondheim!

Much like Celine, Patti Lupone is fucking amazing. She is the human equivalent to a trumpet. While she was singing Everything's Coming Up Roses, I could literaly hear homos having one large cumulative orgasm. My milkshake of course was better than theirs.

Xanadu looked amazing. I am so pissed at myself for having not seen it yet. Any musical that involves a levitating Pegasus horse as a way to make an exit, sure has my name all over it. That's how I plan to leave this world when I die!


Lowlights included:
I love some Whoopi on the View and I love me some Oda Mae Brown in Ghost, but Whoopi needs to do more than just play Mr. Dressup with some costumes as a host of an awards show. We get it, you like to channel Ernie Combs, but Bruce "I'm With Stupid" Villanch is a great writer so it's about time you used some of his jokes.

Passing Strange looked brutal. Strike that... it looked strange, therefor I'll pass.

Sunday in the Park with......... sorry I fell asleep while writing that sentence much as I did during the performance of that show last night. Where were the visuals and the projections? Two people standing on stage singing a duet, America doesn't care unless its Archuleta and Cook.

The producers tried to play off Patti Lupone during her speech. Whoever that man with the baton is, he was found dead in the Hudson today stabbed with a drag queen's lucite heel. You don't mess with gays and their Broadway divas, they will cut you with a Sweeney Todd razor. Was that last sentence too gay? I just gay bashed myself a bit!

Whoever brought The Little Mermaid to Broadway should be turned into a Mermaid and then throwd into an Exxon Valdez oil spill. That shit stank worse than shit and shit can stink.

Overall I loved the Tonys. A great year for Broadway, gays, people from the Steppenwolf theatre company, and Liza's gams. Next year Billy Elliot, Shrek, 9 to 5, West Side Story, and Harry Potter's cock come to the great white way. Blog ends here because I just spontaneously combusted!