Of course you would most likely assume that my sexual predator eyes would be for reserved for males born in 1989, but alas no, my eyes lust after all things that occur in during a 16 day period called The Olympics.
The Olympics also make my sexy autism come out in full force. I could tell you fuck all about how to save a life or how to invest money in the stock market but who has two thumbs and knows who won the 100 meter hurdles for women in 1996? This guy! By the way it was Ludmila Engquist and she was FIERCE!
2008 was a great Olympics and here are my highlights and lowlights:
HIGHLIGHTS:
Dara Torres was a 41 year old mother who swam in her fifth Olympics.
She lost the gold medal by .01 of a second in the 50 meter freestyle, which led Mike Yerxa to a week in the fetal position. But what an inspiration! When I am 41, I will be lucky if I can get a jar Miracle Whip with my grab stick in 24.07 seconds.
But won't extreme obesity/scooter life be fun?The Opening Ceremonies were beautiful, opulent, and grandiose.
China has so much culture and history to draw from. Some are saying that the Vancouver 2010 opening ceremony is truly f-ed. But I say, did China have Michael Buble? Because Vancouver does. Did China have figure skaters creating Emily Carr paintings? No it did not, but Vancouver will. Was the torch in Beijing lit by Jason "Brandon Walsh" Priestly? Not it certainly wasn't. I say a bring on 2010's opening cermony directed by Pamela Anderson and sponsored by Labatts. 
Debbie Phelps is amazing. She's the quintessential middle school principal. I think I life her because she reminds me of my mommy.
See the resemblance.
Even look at their oversized jewlery. Butterface Phelps meet Bustedface Yerxa. Forget Obama/Biden and McCain/Palin, the real ticket in 2008 should be Liukin/Johnson. Liukin could solve all world problems by a simple icy stare across the proverbial uneven bars of Democracy.
While Johnson could back simply back her up by spouting out sentences such as "I am flipping mad about gas prices" and consistently demonstrating the aforementioned sentence's verb on a balance beam. Michael Phelps' body.
Lowlights:
I don't care what their passports say, those damn Chinese gymnasts are not 16 years old. They do not look a day over first tampon or sanitary napkin.
I should know because I am down with the kids. I am totes 411 with Serena van der Woodsen. But those little doe-eyed deer still have their damned baby teeth. Speaking of Chinese and baby teeth check out this baby. 
AMAZING!!! I would consider adopting a baby a day from China if it came like this.
Did anyone see that damned NBC swimming reporter Andrea Kremer. She was the most long winded bitch I've ever heard. In the time it would take her to ask a single question the swimmer would catch their breath from their 1500 meter swim and miss their medal ceremony.
A single question might be like this "Michael Phelps... what a race!!! When you were on the starting blocks what was going through your head as you were about to jump into the water here at the Watercube, which is located in Beijing the sight of the 2008 Olympics which is your second Olympics after the 2004 Olympics, which happens to be the birthplace of Olympics and my favorite food gyros..."
I would have loved to jump onto that pool deck to slap that talk out of that bitch.
Tina Fey could not write the kind of comedy that George W. Bush created by just being himself at the Olympics.
W continues to inspire us all by laughing like a jackal and acting like an asshole. Look at Baby Babs face in this picture. 
Even Stepford First Wife is humiliated and she can't even feel any emotion.
Anybutterface, all in all The Olympics were amazing! I seriously don't know what to do with my time now. Not even excessive drinking and Burger King eating can solve my problem. Okay I lie. Obviously vodka and a Whopper can solve anything!
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