Emmy Oh My!

I have a love/hate relationship with the Emmy Awards. I love the Emmys because I truly love an award show. I even watched some Latina award show two weeks ago just cause it was on TV. I love the pomp and circumstance of award shows. I love the hilarious unscripted moment which typically comes from the mouth of Elaine Strich. And of course I love any show that will honor the brilliance of Tina Fey. But I hate The Emmys because they never seem to reward the most deserving.

That being said this year's show was more lows than highs. It was way more lows than highs! It was clunks instead chuckles. Too many moments of nothing (including the 5 minute opening bit where nothing actually happened on purpose. WTF???) instead of pratically any moments of something (I say Griffin and Don Rickles for hosts in 2009).

It seemed as though the show's writers were still on strike from last year. Seriously what the bland was up with the fivesome of hosts? They were unfunny, uncharismatic and their opening was as perplexing as the first four seasons of Lost combined. Heidi Klum and other hacks...YOU'RE OUT!

Highlights:

Tina Fey is a goddess. Can I just say that in one week Tina Fey was able to capture the entire nation's attention with her pitch perfect portrayal of Sarah Palin on SNL and she was able to win 3 Emmys including one for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. This woman can do no wrong. We must all surrender to her incredible talent that is disproportionate to practically anyone right now.

Alec Baldwin won. The fact he didn't win last year was a crime. I was worried that he wouldn't win this year and would become the consumate bridesmade and never the thoughtless, little (award hogging) pig.

Remember how for the longest time shitty shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, Boston Legal, and Monk would win a ton of awards. No outright shitty shows won this year and that is a very good thing.

I liked the laugh in tribute. I didn't really understand a lot of it but anything that features JoAnne "Hoppo" Worley sing song her way through a word brings complete joy and satisfaction to my life.

Lowlights:

The hosts go without saying because they were beyond dreadful.

But what was up Josh Groban singing theme songs to popular shows? Why? It was the oddest choice performance choice since Elvis and Celine dueted on American Idol a few seasons ago. What the Andrea Bocelli does Josh Groban have to do with TV? Seriously Josh Groban singing South Park was like watching the cast of Sesame Street perform at the Superbowl Half Time show. It just didn't belong and made me feel uneasy like a child who had just been touched by a stranger in the under bathing suit area.

Amy Poehler losing. I wanted the Fey and Poehler double whammy. Unfort, it did not happen. Apparently anyone can win Best Supportive Actress. Anyone, anyone, anyone. Poehler should have just wanted it a little more.

2008/09 TV brings some potential great new show including Kath and Kim, True Blood and The United State of Diablo Cody...er I mean Tara. Will they be Emmy fare? Well only time will tell. Now I will go listen to Josh Groban's Emmy suite and do nothing. I mean in theory in theory is sounds like a good idea right?

The Emme Awards

Can you imagine if there was actually an award ceremony named after mid 90's plus sized supermodel Emme. I would win every award especially the award for the person most like to wash down a Filet of fish with McChicken sauce and a McFlurry. A girl's gotta eat right?

So yes it is Emmy weekend and it will be hosted by the 4 of the 5 biggest douches on TV. Gaycrest, Bergeron, Deal or No Deal Mandel, and Probst aren't exactly must see TV. Seriously mid 90's plus sized supermodel Emme would be a better host. However, I cannot wait to see Heidi Klum say auf Wiedersehen to every individual loser at the award ceremony.

Emmys are tough because they are so hard to predict and the winners are all over the map. Sometimes the Emmys get it right. Laurie "Aunt Jackie" Metcalf has three statuettes. But most times they get it wrong. Doris Roberts has four emmys, while Kim "Samantha Jones" Catrall has none. BLASPHEMY! Did anyone even like Raymond? I couldn't tolerate it.

These are my final predictions for this year's awards.

Best Drama: Mad Men

Best Comedy: 30 Rock

Best Drama Actor: James Spader for Boston Public (does anyone watch this show and why does this guy keep winning?)

Best Comedy Actor: Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock

Best Drama Actress: Glenn Close for Damages

Best Comedy Actress: Tina Fey for 30 Rock (if she doesn't win, there is no Constance Justice in the world)

Best Drama Supporting Actor: William Shatner for Boston Public

Best Comedy Supporting Actor: Neil Patrick Harris for How I Met Your Mother

Best Drama Supporting Actress: Chandra Wilson for Grey's Anatomy

Best Comedy Supporting Actress: Amy Poehler for Saturday Night Live


As long as Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy win I don't really care what else happens. Okay I am boring myself. Filet of Fish time.

Olympic-ture perfect!

Once every two years, I become a crazy obsessive monster with massive sexual predator eyes.

Of course you would most likely assume that my sexual predator eyes would be for reserved for males born in 1989, but alas no, my eyes lust after all things that occur in during a 16 day period called The Olympics.

The Olympics also make my sexy autism come out in full force. I could tell you fuck all about how to save a life or how to invest money in the stock market but who has two thumbs and knows who won the 100 meter hurdles for women in 1996? This guy! By the way it was Ludmila Engquist and she was FIERCE!

2008 was a great Olympics and here are my highlights and lowlights:

HIGHLIGHTS:

Dara Torres was a 41 year old mother who swam in her fifth Olympics. She lost the gold medal by .01 of a second in the 50 meter freestyle, which led Mike Yerxa to a week in the fetal position. But what an inspiration! When I am 41, I will be lucky if I can get a jar Miracle Whip with my grab stick in 24.07 seconds. But won't extreme obesity/scooter life be fun?

The Opening Ceremonies were beautiful, opulent, and grandiose. China has so much culture and history to draw from. Some are saying that the Vancouver 2010 opening ceremony is truly f-ed. But I say, did China have Michael Buble? Because Vancouver does. Did China have figure skaters creating Emily Carr paintings? No it did not, but Vancouver will. Was the torch in Beijing lit by Jason "Brandon Walsh" Priestly? Not it certainly wasn't. I say a bring on 2010's opening cermony directed by Pamela Anderson and sponsored by Labatts.

Debbie Phelps is amazing. She's the quintessential middle school principal. I think I life her because she reminds me of my mommy. See the resemblance. Even look at their oversized jewlery. Butterface Phelps meet Bustedface Yerxa.

Forget Obama/Biden and McCain/Palin, the real ticket in 2008 should be Liukin/Johnson. Liukin could solve all world problems by a simple icy stare across the proverbial uneven bars of Democracy. While Johnson could back simply back her up by spouting out sentences such as "I am flipping mad about gas prices" and consistently demonstrating the aforementioned sentence's verb on a balance beam.

Michael Phelps' body.


Lowlights:

I don't care what their passports say, those damn Chinese gymnasts are not 16 years old. They do not look a day over first tampon or sanitary napkin. I should know because I am down with the kids. I am totes 411 with Serena van der Woodsen. But those little doe-eyed deer still have their damned baby teeth. Speaking of Chinese and baby teeth check out this baby.
AMAZING!!! I would consider adopting a baby a day from China if it came like this.

Did anyone see that damned NBC swimming reporter Andrea Kremer. She was the most long winded bitch I've ever heard. In the time it would take her to ask a single question the swimmer would catch their breath from their 1500 meter swim and miss their medal ceremony.

A single question might be like this "Michael Phelps... what a race!!! When you were on the starting blocks what was going through your head as you were about to jump into the water here at the Watercube, which is located in Beijing the sight of the 2008 Olympics which is your second Olympics after the 2004 Olympics, which happens to be the birthplace of Olympics and my favorite food gyros..."

I would have loved to jump onto that pool deck to slap that talk out of that bitch.

Tina Fey could not write the kind of comedy that George W. Bush created by just being himself at the Olympics. W continues to inspire us all by laughing like a jackal and acting like an asshole. Look at Baby Babs face in this picture.
Even Stepford First Wife is humiliated and she can't even feel any emotion.

Anybutterface, all in all The Olympics were amazing! I seriously don't know what to do with my time now. Not even excessive drinking and Burger King eating can solve my problem. Okay I lie. Obviously vodka and a Whopper can solve anything!

I had a TONy of fun!

Just like a fat kid loves he/she cake and Amy Winehouse loves a crack pipe, I love me some Tonys. This year marks my 20th consecutive year watching what Broadway has to offer.

Highlights of 08's ceremony included:

August: Osage County picking up mayjuh awards like Best Play, Best Actress in a Play and Best Supporting Actress in a Play. Completely deserved and a brilliant night of theatre. Although Aunt Jackie lost for Best Supporting Actress in a Play, I am glad she lost to Rondi Reed, her Chicago theatre sister. Speaking of Aunt Jackie, do you remember that episode of Roseanne when Jackie performed as a one legged wench in a Landford Community Theatre production of Cyrano? Now that shit was Tony worthy.

Also nice was the Rent tribute featuing the original Broadway cast. While I am not the biggest fan of Idina Menzel's face, I do always get nostalgic when Seasons of Love is sung and especially nostalgic when AIDS, AIDS, AIDS from Team America is heard.

In The Heights' performance was incredible. It's not a perfect show, but it has its moments of sheer brilliance. And how great was Lin-Manuel Miranda's hip hop ode to Sondheim!

Much like Celine, Patti Lupone is fucking amazing. She is the human equivalent to a trumpet. While she was singing Everything's Coming Up Roses, I could literaly hear homos having one large cumulative orgasm. My milkshake of course was better than theirs.

Xanadu looked amazing. I am so pissed at myself for having not seen it yet. Any musical that involves a levitating Pegasus horse as a way to make an exit, sure has my name all over it. That's how I plan to leave this world when I die!


Lowlights included:
I love some Whoopi on the View and I love me some Oda Mae Brown in Ghost, but Whoopi needs to do more than just play Mr. Dressup with some costumes as a host of an awards show. We get it, you like to channel Ernie Combs, but Bruce "I'm With Stupid" Villanch is a great writer so it's about time you used some of his jokes.

Passing Strange looked brutal. Strike that... it looked strange, therefor I'll pass.

Sunday in the Park with......... sorry I fell asleep while writing that sentence much as I did during the performance of that show last night. Where were the visuals and the projections? Two people standing on stage singing a duet, America doesn't care unless its Archuleta and Cook.

The producers tried to play off Patti Lupone during her speech. Whoever that man with the baton is, he was found dead in the Hudson today stabbed with a drag queen's lucite heel. You don't mess with gays and their Broadway divas, they will cut you with a Sweeney Todd razor. Was that last sentence too gay? I just gay bashed myself a bit!

Whoever brought The Little Mermaid to Broadway should be turned into a Mermaid and then throwd into an Exxon Valdez oil spill. That shit stank worse than shit and shit can stink.

Overall I loved the Tonys. A great year for Broadway, gays, people from the Steppenwolf theatre company, and Liza's gams. Next year Billy Elliot, Shrek, 9 to 5, West Side Story, and Harry Potter's cock come to the great white way. Blog ends here because I just spontaneously combusted!

12 Million more Cooks in the Kitchen???

I know this post is quite overdue, but I think it's taken me that long to process the 7th season of American Idol. It's also taken me that long to figure out how the eff David Cook beat David Archuleta by 12 million votes. I seriously never saw that happening the same way Brooke White never thought she'd have to utter the words "I'm sorry can we start that again".

Between Cook trumping Archuleta, Archuleta's Dad turning all Papa Joe Simpson on producers, and Brooke White's repeated nausea inducing Carly Simon lite performances, the 7th season was something special.

Here are general thoughts on this season:

I usually don't like white male singers. Strike that I usually don't like male singers. I will always root for a big lunged black chick or a belting female rocker. But this year I did really like Cook and Archuleta. I thought Archuleta had a beautiful voice and the fact that I wanted to molest him definitely endeared him to me. Cook won me over with a solid performance of Mimi's Always Be My Baby. And don't even get me started on Danny Noriega. Cholo was a fierce singer and was a sharp witted gay. He wasn't like the typical TV gay that sets our kind back two generations and makes Southern America think that they can't swim in the same pool with us without getting AIDS. I love me some Kelly, Fantasia, and Carrie, but these dudes were up to par.

Give me a Fantasia, JHUD, Vonzell, and Melinda anyday. But I'll pass on Syesha. I loved that she performed with such confidence on the finale as if to say "Yeah I came in third and look for me to top the charts come fall". Syesha see you in the Georgia Peach Dinner Theatre's production of The Wiz come fall.

Best theme week was Andrew Lloyd Weber! Between Carly tearing up Jesus Christ Superstar, Syesha really surprising with One Rock and Roll too many, and Archuleta really mixing up Think of Me. That night was "Memory"-able. Get it?

Brooke White needs to shut her goddamned mouth. Seriously the bitch's lack of self-realization and her overly saccharine answers to everything made her ferociously unlikable in my eyes.
She should have just sung the Lord is My Shepherd every week and made out with a crucifix during the judges' comments. It would have been more entertaining and would have saved me a fortune on Pepto Bismol, Gravol and Depends Extra Strength.

Kristy Lee Cock needs to hop on her repossessed horse and ride away into a sunset, never to return. Actually strike that last sentence, she needs to grab a large "Proud to be an American" flag and hang herself with it.

Carly Smithson was the best female voice of the season, but bitch get some confidence. She looked and sang with the confidence that a raped, abused and motherless Bambi would bring to the AI stage. I mean, I know your debut album sold only 300 copies, but come on Smithson sing like you're not going down like Irish brothers and sisters in 3rd class of the Titanic.

I am not a big druggy, except for my meth addiction. Come on, a Fergie face doesn't just create itself. However I would love to have a drug bender with Amanda Overmyer and Jason Castro. Those perma stoners were too entertaining. I am going to write a musical of Puff The Magic Dragon where Amanda plays Puff and Jason plays Little Jackie Paper. Jessica Sierra, her coke nose, and Dr. Drew can cameo as the string, ceiling wax and other fancy stuff. Strike that it should just be a one woman show starring Paula Abdul and sponsored by any perscription drug that treats seizures, bulimia, depression, arthritis, psoriasis, general loopiness and really anything to do with the body.

I actually do think that this was AI best top twelve ever! They had a stripper "for mostly male clientele", some stonners, two female red state panderers, a couple of foreigners, and a molester's (and my) wet dream.

So what's next for the Idols? Well a summer long tour and after that Archuleta should anticipate a nice summer tour of my Silence of the Lambs cellar Buffalo Billz styles. What can I say, I'm a romantic.

The Ghosts of Idol Past.

Much like Scrooge was visited by a ghost of Christmas past, I will spend this blog reminiscing of idols of yesteryear. And in celebration of season 7 finale in the battle of the Davids, I will take us on a trip down memory lane remembering the finales of the past six seasons. American Idol has been around longer than Brangelina and TomKat combined. WTF?

Season 1: From Justin to Kelly. The boy with the fro who stood like he was taking a crap on a toilet while he sang vs. the skunk haired whistle-toned Texan. Who won: Kelly
Who should have won: Kelly
Most underrated contestant: Kelly (Bitch was pretty perfect and still is, My December aside)
Most overrated contestant: Justin
What the fuck was America Thinking: Nikki
Who definitely should have stayed longer: Tamyra

Special Award - Worst style: Ryan Starr

Season 2: Rueben vs. Clay. The velvet Teddybear from the 205 vs. Clay "I Don't Know Where that Hand has Been" Aiken. Who won: Rueben
Who should have won: Kimberley Locke (but of the top two, definitely Clay)
Most underrated contestant: Kimberley Locke
Most overrated contestant: Trenyce (and why the need for only one name) or Josh Gracin
What the fuck was America Thinking: CARMEN RASMUSSEN
Who definitely should have stayed longer: Vanessa Olivarez

Special Award - Worst fans: The Claymates

Season 3: Fantasia vs. Diana. The illeterate 19 year old singer mother vs. the 16 year old bubblegum princess.Who won: FANTASIA
Who should have won: FANTASIA
Most underrated contestant: Jennifer Hudson
Most overrated contestant: Latoya London (I hate to say it. I thought she was great, but she was yawn inducing most of the time)
What the fuck was America Thinking: Jennifer Hudson (Finishing in 7th place. Are you serious?) and Jasmine Trias
Who definitely should have stayed longer: See above

Special Award - Best Song Selection: Fantasia (Week after week she picked the best songs and she couldn't even read their damned titles).

Season 4: Carrie vs. Bo. Big lunged, blonde haired country cutie vs. Hippie rocker from the South.Who won: Carrie Underwood
Who should have won: Carrie Underwood
Most underrated contestant: Vonzell (She could sang!)
Most overrated contestant: Anthony Fedorov
What the fuck was America Thinking: Scott Savol
Who definitely should have stayed longer: Mario Vasquez (Although it was his choice to leave.)

Special Award: Perviest sex eyes to camera: Constantine Maroulis

Season 5: Taylor Hicks vs. Kitty McPhee. Soul patrol and harmonica vs. Open Toe shoe favorer Christina wannabe.Who won: Taylor Hicks
Who should have won: Chris Daughtry
Most underrated contestant: Paris Bennett
Most overrated contestant: Taylor Hicks
What the fuck was America thinking: Bucky Covington
Who definitely should have stayed longer: Chris Daughtry (ummm like duh!)

Special Award: Worst ever top 24 performance: Stevie Scott (Youtube the shit, it's the American Idol equivalent of Miss Teen South Carolina)

Season 6: Jordin vs. Blake. Pipes vs. Beat boxing!Who won: Jordin Sparks
Who should have won: Jordin Sparks
Most underrated contestant: Rachel Zevita (She didn't even make the top 24, but she was amazing!!!!)
Most overrated contestant: Blake Lewis
What the fuck was America thinking: Sanjaya is too easy so I am going with HALEY SCARNATO. She had legs and that was it!
Who definitely should have stayed longer: Whoever went home before Sanjaya.

Special Award: The I Never Sang Better Than My First Time Singing on The First Night of the Top 24 Award: Lakisha Jones

Season 7: David vs. David.

Who won: ???
Who should have won: Archuleta
Most underrated contestant: Danny Noreiga (Cholo was fierce!)
Most overrated contestant: Brooke White
What the fuck was America thinking: Kristy Lee Cock
Who definitely should have stayed longer: Carly Smithson, Michael Johns and Danny Noreiga.

Special Award: Shut the fuck up award: Brooke White & Best Stripper for mostly male clientele: David Hernandez.


I look forward to Wednesday night. And after compiling this list, I have made two significant observations. 1. Can we please have an Idol ALL STARS. 2. None of these people have anything on Leona!